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Posts Tagged ‘I’m sorry’

I know this is going to be hard to believe, but I make mistakes. There. It’s out. I know you are all surprised to hear this and I am just as shocked to admit it. Ok, not really.

Here’s the rub. I pride myself in always being honest. For the most part I am quite proud of this attribute. The down side to this is I am also opinionated. This isn’t necessarily a good thing. The other thing I’m good at is expressing these feelings. Again, it’s therapeutic to not hold your emotions in, but when you combine honesty, my opinionated self and add a dash of me expressing myself it often becomes someone else’s feelings who get hurt.

In my defense, I don’t sit and ponder and conspire how I am going to hurt someone’s feelings. I feel strongly about some things. This gets me in trouble as well. My mouth has no filter when these things come out. Sometimes I make an example out of myself thinking if I’ve made it about me the person couldn’t be offended. Then it becomes a situation where, “what does this have to do with you?” Well, I really didn’t mean to make it about me I was trying to spare your feelings. What I’ve really done is just make it about me, I look selfish and my point was never made. Now there is a whole other issue of saying something I didn’t really mean at all and I’m left to be the big mouth when what I really meant wasn’t portrayed at all—which is my fault. I need a filter on my mouth. One where the words process in my brain before they are spoken or in some cases written.

 Everyone sees and hears things differently. I’m not a complex person. What you see is what you get. What I say isn’t meant to be interpreted or looked into with ulterior motives. If I say it is pink I wholeheartedly think it’s pink. Not a shade or hue of red. I most likely didn’t consider how pink was made–it is what it is, in my mind—pink.

If I’ve hurt someone the aftermath leaves me broken, self defeated and in tears. I am my own worst critic. I beat myself up more than YOU ever could. I harbor guilt and anger like it’s nobody’s business. All of my feelings collide, I can’t think straight and I can’t tell you for the life of me what is heads or tails. I try to sort it all out in my head, but everything is jumbled and not one thought is clear.

Deciding at this point if an apology is necessary is difficult. Do I let it go? Do I apologize and try to explain, or am I going to make it worse? Do I drag it all out again or let it die? Clearly, every situation is different, but I have a hard time making a judgment call here

I don’t have a remedy for this last process so preventing it from the beginning is my best solution. The bright side? I’m still learning. Observing. Making myself better. Acknowledging these traits I don’t like can only make me better–for me and my new baby girl.

If you have been directly impacted by the above unfiltered mouth syndrome described above please know that I am truly sorry.

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